i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
