I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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