Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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