so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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