I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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