I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
