Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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