Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
