I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
