My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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