im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize