Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
