Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
