I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
