you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
