He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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