I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
