I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
