I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
