i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
