Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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