You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
