New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
