btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize