get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
