There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
