Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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