3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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