Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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