i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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