Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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