the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
