i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
