I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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