You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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