You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
