oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
