dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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