I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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