First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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