just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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