Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
