I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
