3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize