You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My underwear smells like fireworks.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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