you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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