If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
