First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
