arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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