i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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