You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
