I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
