If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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