does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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