she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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