I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
