apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
