dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize