he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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