I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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