I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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