goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Congratulations! We have a period
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